Last night my friend Brittany and I went to go watch my roller derby teams season opener. Recently I decided to take a sabbatical from derby until I can balance "momhood" and derby. But watching bouts, knowing I could be skating if I would just stick in there... KILLS ME!
After I had my son, I rejoined the league last August again after moving to Texas, moving back then figuring out health benefits getting pregnant, having a baby, and then getting to a point where I was okay leaving to go practice. The league is a different league than the one I left when I moved to Texas. It's AWESOME! But it requires a ton of commitment with practice and participation. Which is great because before I left, I was a board member for the league and we were constantly hitting our heads against the wall to try and get this change to happen. I'm so happy to see the level of dedication and commitment the skaters have to the league now. It's amazing.
So what's my problem? Why can't I just jump right back into it? Let me try to explain.
I don't want to just half ass my commitment to derby and I know it will take a significant amount of dedication for me to skate. Not only skate, but get rostered for a team. The goal to go from the intra-league team to the B team, to the A team eventually. Which takes quite a bit of commitment. I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to go back and at least get on the B team if I worked at it. But here's the thing, every time I would go to practice I'd feel guilty for leaving, and also for the old man with all three kids which can be a bit cumbersome for one person. In all honesty though, he supports me in 100% in whatever I want to do. I could tell him I was going to go be a tight rope walker and he would think it was a great idea. He just wants me to be happy in whatever I do. That doesn't change the fact though that I would feel guilty for leaving my baby. Then when I would skip practice to be with my family, I would feel guilty for slacking on my commitment to the league. So it was like a double edge guilt sword. On top of the fact I still have some significant pain in my "nether regions" from child birth. I've been putting it off, but I'm 90 percent sure I'm going to have to have some sort of reconstructive surgery (I know that might be too much information, but I'm an open book). Not to mention the money it takes to skate with dues and other expenses. It goes back to my guilt on spending money on things I "want" rather than "need". Especially right now when the old man is unemployed and we are working with a limited income. That said, I know the league has assistance programs for people who can't afford to pay 100% of the dues.
Since sending in my letter to the league that I wouldn't be returning this season, I don't feel the stress of constantly dealing with guilt. But, every time I see a bout... my heart bleeds to be on my skates. I'm hoping things financially turn around for us, maybe that would help me out a little bit not feeling bad about spending money on derby. And once we get things a little bit more figured out, he and I can work out a schedule and see what our work schedules will look like once he gets back to full time work.
What I may end up doing is joining the Rec League we have which is only 1 day a week and that way I at least would still be getting skating time in and when I was ready to go back, I'd still have my skate legs. Also it doesn't cost as much to do the Rec League.
We'll see. I just have to figure it out in my head what I can and can't do. And not feel bad one way or the other.
At any rate...
I'm off now to go deal with my mountain of clothes I need to purge.
One Love <3